Santino’s Birth Story: The Road To Delivery & Forgetting My Birth Plan
Let me start off by saying that my OBGYN during the beginning of my pregnancy was not right for me. At all. I had given many different doctors a chance pre-pregnancy. I wasn’t comfortable or happy with any of them. I had so many questions and concerns in my first trimester, but never felt that my relationship with my doctor was good enough to express this to her. It took me some time, but around month 6 I got my medical records and left. I chose the doctor who ended up delivering my son for the sole reason that the hospital she is affiliated with offers water birth. Thank God, through this decision I found a caring and open relationship that I had never had before with an OB (which I realized is SO important as a woman).
At the time, I was CONVINCED that I would be having a natural, epidural free, “relaxing” birth in a tub. I had a birth plan in mind before I even called it my “birth plan”. One of the first questions my new OB asked was exactly that, do you have a plan? At the time I said no (my prior doctor hadn’t discussed it with me). All I knew was that I did not want an epidural under any circumstance (spoiler alert: I got one) and I did not want to give birth in a bed (second spoiler alert: I did).
She told me that it’s great to have a plan, but even better to know that it can change, and not to blame myself if things don't go exactly as I had imagined. My son’s due date was March 28th, the day after my birthday. I was absolutely sure that he would be early. I kept stressing myself out, worrying, second guessing my decision to work up until the 24th. I kept thinking “omg he’s going to come any minute now”. I was wrong of course. My due date came and went. I was only 1 cm dilated by the following week, and ready to pull my hair out. My edema was BAD and extremely painful. My legs and feet had gotten so swollen that none of my pants or shoes fit. I went walking in my pajamas, drank raspberry tea, took baths, even sat and played with my nipples. I wanted him OUT and NOTHING WAS WORKING.
I was scheduled to be induced on April 4th. I had an extensive list of what to pack in my hospital bag. I obsessed over it, checking multiple times that I had everything I “needed”. The only things I ended up using were my toiletries, robe, and slippers. I bought cute pajamas and nursing tops, just to stay in the hospital gown until I got dressed to go home (don't judge). My boyfriend, Justin, and I arrived at the hospital by 4 pm, nervous, excited, and honestly clueless as to what we would endure together over the next 48 hours. We got settled into our room and shortly after the doctor on call came to do the first of countless cervical exams (my fave). I was still 1 cm dilated and in no way prepared for the amount of discomfort I was about to feel. The OB used a vaginal insert, Cervidil, which contains prostaglandin, in an attempt to soften my cervix. For the first 2 hours I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed, so that the insert wouldn’t move and the nurses could monitor my son’s heart rate. I had to pee so bad, I couldn’t lay on one side for more than 20 minutes without my hip throbbing, and I was way too uncomfortable to sleep.
After 12 hours in total, the Cervidil was removed. Still 1 cm. I wanted to scream. I had spent all that time laying there, restless and in pain, just to be told I was nowhere near ready. Next came 2 rounds of Cytotec, a tablet that is also inserted vaginally to soften the cervix. Again, NOTHING. Still 1 cm. Finally, the nurse said it was time to start me on Pitocin. By this point I was truly delusional, I hadn’t slept in almost 2 days. I can’t even remember who broke my water, I can only remember how painful that moment was, and how disgusting I felt. As the warm liquid gushed out of me, so did my tears. My body was under so much stress, I kept saying “I can’t take this anymore”. Justin was by my side every second, doing anything he could for me, but nothing made it easier. The only thing I really needed in those moments was to have him there. I knew that I couldn’t do it without him.
I laid in the hospital bed crying, listening to the heart beat monitor and holding his hand. The hours I had waited were a blessing in disguise; the OB I had seen my first visit, who I was most comfortable with, was now on call. I was so happy to see her, it was the first time I felt relieved in over a week. I was up to 17 drops of Pitocin a minute. I hadn’t felt a single contraction up until then, and now they were coming a minute apart. The only way I can explain the excruciating pain I felt is that it was an outer body experience. The sensation felt unreal. I describe it as “a train hitting your uterus and vagina simultaneously” when people ask me what labor was like (to put it lightly). The big problem was that I still wasn’t dilating. At this point it was pretty clear that I wouldn’t be able to labor or give birth in the tub. I felt like everything was all wrong, and I was beyond scared.
My OB knew how strongly I was against an epidural, but she told me if I didn’t get one I would not make it through a vaginal birth. I wouldn’t dilate. Scared out of my mind, I agreed to get the epidural. Justin stood in front of me and held my shoulders as I leaned over a pillow. I knew I had to stay completely still, which was my second biggest fear when it came to the epidural. My first was the size of the needle. I had imagined it to be 2 feet long for some reason (it's not). I asked what to do if I had a contraction, the anesthesiologist said don’t move (so easy let me tell you). I just kept breathing. In and out, in and out. I felt a contraction coming. I told him I was ready, he said “I’m already done”. The “scariest” part of labor turned out to be nothing compared to everything else.
I felt instant relief. I was able to relax for the first time since we arrived. It felt like time didn’t exist, I have no idea how long I laid there. I was numb which was great, but freezing even with 3 blankets on, and dizzy from drifting in and out of sleep. I knew exactly when the epidural started to wear off. I kept telling Justin, “it stopped working”. My OB came to check me again, she told the nurse “she’s almost there”. This was when I got really anxious. I was still half asleep when they turned on the lights. My nurses were sweet, supportive, and beyond helpful. I felt extremely blessed. They said that I would know when I was ready, that I would know when to push. One of the nurses said, “we’ll be right back we’re getting a cart”. That's when I knew and I couldn't help it, I was pushing without them there.
The nurses came running back in. I thank God for my doctor, who coached me through the delivery. I kept telling myself “this is it. this is the last step. then he’s here. the pain will end”. At one point I was even pushing too fast. Justin said he saw hair, then a minute later shoulders were out. My doctor made me stop and breathe before starting again. After only 20 minutes of pushing (my proud moment) our beautiful baby boy, Santino Francis, entered the world at 1:54 am on April 6th. He was 6 pounds 12 ounces, so much smaller than I thought he’d be! The feeling that came over me the first time I held him is unexplainable. I never wanted to let go. I just stared at him, touching his tiny hands and kissing his nose. I fell so deeply in love with this little boy in my arms.
Becoming a mom was the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. There is nothing that can truly prepare you for labor, delivery and recovery. Everything you think you know, or think you will feel, is nothing compared to what will really happen. And that's OK. I’m so thankful for my birth experience, even though it was not what I planned. I gave birth to a healthy baby with no complications. In the end, that’s all that matters. It’s great if you still want to have a plan in mind, but don’t be scared to forget it if you have to. I conquered my fears and strayed from the birth I had imagined, and it made everything turn out for the better. Don’t feel sad or guilty if things don’t go your way! Remember that becoming a mommy takes an unimaginable amount of strength, and the gift you’re receiving is the most special one you ever will.